11 March 2009
10 February 2009
Dear Mr. Snell:
We regret to inform you that your article, "New Element Discovered in Lake Michigan", does not meet our standards. While we usually encourage would-be contributors to keep trying, in this case we must insist that you not bother.
Sincerely,
Dale Minske, Features Editor, Popular Science Magazine
***
Dear Mr. Minske,
First of all, it's not Mr. Snell, it's Dr. Snell. Since you clearly did not read the CV attached to my article, I have enclosed another copy. Note that I hold a PhD. in Chemistry from MIT and an MD with a speciality in oncology from Wharton.
More importantly, you are doing your superiors and your readers a disservice by choosing to ignore my paper, which outlines the greatest scientific breakthrough since Watson and Crick. Perhaps I was guilty of "burying the lede", as they say in your profession: The title should have been "WE ARE SO FUCKED." At any rate I hope you will take the time to read my article - in its entirety this time - and get back to me. Please note that because of your rudeness my fee has gone from fifteen to twenty-five thousand dollars.
Yours,
Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell
***
Mr. Snell:
We did read your 'paper' in its entirety, sir. Aside from its second paragraph, of course, which was obscured and smudged by what I can only hope is spilled apple juice. Believe me, sir, you did not find a new element in lake Michigan.
It pains me to waste time explaining such a simple concept to an obviously insane individual, but please, consider this:
1. Elements cannot be seen under a magnifying glass. An atom is many billions of times smaller than the smallest object the human eye can discern with such a device. Furthermore, elements are not identified by sight. Scientists cannot tell, say, nitrogen from oxygen simply by looking. A mass spectrometer - an instrument far outside your budget and level of expertise, I am sure - is necessary.
2. "Sprinkles" is not an element. It is a topping for baked goods. Finding a baggie full of "mysterious red and yellow crystals" that "are sweet to the tongue but oddly unsatisfying" is not discovering a new element. Please, Mr. Snell, consider the fact that the baggie bore the imprint Sara Lee, which is the name of a large baked goods consortium.
3. How did you know they were called sprinkles? Do you not realize that if you have seen it before, and in fact know it by name, then logically speaking you cannot have "discovered" it?
4. Wharton is a business school. It has never offered a medical program. Furthermore, MIT has no record of your existence.
***
Dear Asshole
Fine, if you don't believe me, check this shit out.
Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell, PHD
***
WARRANT
FOR THE IMMEDIATE ARREST AND DETENTION OF
STEPHEN M SNELL D.O.B. 9/7/1971
31 MARTINE ST
ANN ARBOR, MI
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
USC 19192.7 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: METHAMPHETAMINE
USC 19192.22 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: LYSERGIC ACID DYTHALEMIDE
USC 2293 USE OF US MAIL FOR DRUG TRAFFICKING
MPC 8188 ASSAULT WITH A CHEMICAL WEAPON
POLICE AND OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPREHEND THE ABOVE-NAMED INDIVIDUAL ON SUSPICION OF THE ABOVE-NAMED CRIMES,
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, HANNAH GUTERSON, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, ANN ARBOR MICHIGAN
---signed---
We regret to inform you that your article, "New Element Discovered in Lake Michigan", does not meet our standards. While we usually encourage would-be contributors to keep trying, in this case we must insist that you not bother.
Sincerely,
Dale Minske, Features Editor, Popular Science Magazine
***
Dear Mr. Minske,
First of all, it's not Mr. Snell, it's Dr. Snell. Since you clearly did not read the CV attached to my article, I have enclosed another copy. Note that I hold a PhD. in Chemistry from MIT and an MD with a speciality in oncology from Wharton.
More importantly, you are doing your superiors and your readers a disservice by choosing to ignore my paper, which outlines the greatest scientific breakthrough since Watson and Crick. Perhaps I was guilty of "burying the lede", as they say in your profession: The title should have been "WE ARE SO FUCKED." At any rate I hope you will take the time to read my article - in its entirety this time - and get back to me. Please note that because of your rudeness my fee has gone from fifteen to twenty-five thousand dollars.
Yours,
Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell
***
Mr. Snell:
We did read your 'paper' in its entirety, sir. Aside from its second paragraph, of course, which was obscured and smudged by what I can only hope is spilled apple juice. Believe me, sir, you did not find a new element in lake Michigan.
It pains me to waste time explaining such a simple concept to an obviously insane individual, but please, consider this:
1. Elements cannot be seen under a magnifying glass. An atom is many billions of times smaller than the smallest object the human eye can discern with such a device. Furthermore, elements are not identified by sight. Scientists cannot tell, say, nitrogen from oxygen simply by looking. A mass spectrometer - an instrument far outside your budget and level of expertise, I am sure - is necessary.
2. "Sprinkles" is not an element. It is a topping for baked goods. Finding a baggie full of "mysterious red and yellow crystals" that "are sweet to the tongue but oddly unsatisfying" is not discovering a new element. Please, Mr. Snell, consider the fact that the baggie bore the imprint Sara Lee, which is the name of a large baked goods consortium.
3. How did you know they were called sprinkles? Do you not realize that if you have seen it before, and in fact know it by name, then logically speaking you cannot have "discovered" it?
4. Wharton is a business school. It has never offered a medical program. Furthermore, MIT has no record of your existence.
***
Dear Asshole
Fine, if you don't believe me, check this shit out.
Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell, PHD
***
WARRANT
FOR THE IMMEDIATE ARREST AND DETENTION OF
STEPHEN M SNELL D.O.B. 9/7/1971
31 MARTINE ST
ANN ARBOR, MI
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
USC 19192.7 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: METHAMPHETAMINE
USC 19192.22 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: LYSERGIC ACID DYTHALEMIDE
USC 2293 USE OF US MAIL FOR DRUG TRAFFICKING
MPC 8188 ASSAULT WITH A CHEMICAL WEAPON
POLICE AND OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPREHEND THE ABOVE-NAMED INDIVIDUAL ON SUSPICION OF THE ABOVE-NAMED CRIMES,
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, HANNAH GUTERSON, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, ANN ARBOR MICHIGAN
---signed---
08 February 2009
How much are you willing to give?
There is no time left for liberals or conservatives or blacks or whites or faggots or breeders or women or men. There is no time left for deliberation or consultation or meditation. They called this year the year of Temperament, as in Obama's second rate mind and ninth rate ancestry and first rate temperament.
A herd of elephants aligned to the wind. The sound of a flash bulb. A missile launched from under the sea.
Imagine a room full of fresh-faced and enthusiastic young men and women with budding talents in fine arts and music. Imagine they don't care about grades or clothes or hair. Imagine they want to put as much sweat and blood into their craft as they can, because they know you only get out what you put in.
Now imagine a room full of kids out of their mind on drugs they bought with money their fathers stole from the poor. Imagine they spend more time in front of the mirror every day than they do at the easel in a week.
Which room exists in real life, and which one exists in every university on the planet? I talk shit about the arts because that's what I know. I bet biochem majors are despicable in their own way.
I'm not trying to say that the world is black and white. I just want to stress the fact that 99% of people are fucking horrible.
That's right. 1% are decent. 9% are flawed. 30% are hypocrites and hangers-on. 15% do the evil or lazy or obvious thing but dress it up in pretentious language. 5% are avowed evildoers, like serial killers or Ann Coulter. 40% are stupid. There are varying degrees and flavours of stupid, but 40% of the world population is the fucking horrible kind.
How many people see the right thing to do, but get out of doing under the guise of liberalism or religion or pragmatism or popularity or ignorance? Every single one of us.
I want to separate the wheat from the chaff. Why don't we give the decent people an island - say Cuba - and leave the rest of the world for us losers?
A herd of elephants aligned to the wind. The sound of a flash bulb. A missile launched from under the sea.
Imagine a room full of fresh-faced and enthusiastic young men and women with budding talents in fine arts and music. Imagine they don't care about grades or clothes or hair. Imagine they want to put as much sweat and blood into their craft as they can, because they know you only get out what you put in.
Now imagine a room full of kids out of their mind on drugs they bought with money their fathers stole from the poor. Imagine they spend more time in front of the mirror every day than they do at the easel in a week.
Which room exists in real life, and which one exists in every university on the planet? I talk shit about the arts because that's what I know. I bet biochem majors are despicable in their own way.
I'm not trying to say that the world is black and white. I just want to stress the fact that 99% of people are fucking horrible.
That's right. 1% are decent. 9% are flawed. 30% are hypocrites and hangers-on. 15% do the evil or lazy or obvious thing but dress it up in pretentious language. 5% are avowed evildoers, like serial killers or Ann Coulter. 40% are stupid. There are varying degrees and flavours of stupid, but 40% of the world population is the fucking horrible kind.
How many people see the right thing to do, but get out of doing under the guise of liberalism or religion or pragmatism or popularity or ignorance? Every single one of us.
I want to separate the wheat from the chaff. Why don't we give the decent people an island - say Cuba - and leave the rest of the world for us losers?
31 January 2009
Have you noticed that when you wake up your emotions are in the same state they were in your dream? If you have a dream about your beautiful and hilarious friend who you haven't spoken to in years, you might wake up with an irresistible urge to call her.
Of course you sober up from sleep a little, and remember you haven't spoken to her in years for a good reason (like she's dead, or never existed, or a comic book character.)
My question is, which is the real you? When you get out of bed, do you construct a fake set of emotions and tell yourself you own them? Or is being asleep like being drunk or on drugs? Does it make you not yourself?
My brain - the director of the ongoing panoply of death and destruction that comprises my dreams - terrifies me. Every night the lights go out and my brain puts together another X-rated snuff/natural disaster/NPR/disco/slasher movie, and I'm the only one that gets to see any of it. Could you imagine a newspaper column that went on and on about dead babies and rape and famine for an entire year? How sick would you have to be to write it? That's basically my brain's creative process.
Of course you sober up from sleep a little, and remember you haven't spoken to her in years for a good reason (like she's dead, or never existed, or a comic book character.)
My question is, which is the real you? When you get out of bed, do you construct a fake set of emotions and tell yourself you own them? Or is being asleep like being drunk or on drugs? Does it make you not yourself?
My brain - the director of the ongoing panoply of death and destruction that comprises my dreams - terrifies me. Every night the lights go out and my brain puts together another X-rated snuff/natural disaster/NPR/disco/slasher movie, and I'm the only one that gets to see any of it. Could you imagine a newspaper column that went on and on about dead babies and rape and famine for an entire year? How sick would you have to be to write it? That's basically my brain's creative process.
30 January 2009
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