Dear Mr. Snell:

We regret to inform you that your article, "New Element Discovered in Lake Michigan", does not meet our standards. While we usually encourage would-be contributors to keep trying, in this case we must insist that you not bother.

Sincerely,

Dale Minske, Features Editor, Popular Science Magazine

***

Dear Mr. Minske,

First of all, it's not Mr. Snell, it's Dr. Snell. Since you clearly did not read the CV attached to my article, I have enclosed another copy. Note that I hold a PhD. in Chemistry from MIT and an MD with a speciality in oncology from Wharton.

More importantly, you are doing your superiors and your readers a disservice by choosing to ignore my paper, which outlines the greatest scientific breakthrough since Watson and Crick. Perhaps I was guilty of "burying the lede", as they say in your profession: The title should have been "WE ARE SO FUCKED." At any rate I hope you will take the time to read my article - in its entirety this time - and get back to me. Please note that because of your rudeness my fee has gone from fifteen to twenty-five thousand dollars.

Yours,

Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell

***

Mr. Snell:

We did read your 'paper' in its entirety, sir. Aside from its second paragraph, of course, which was obscured and smudged by what I can only hope is spilled apple juice. Believe me, sir, you did not find a new element in lake Michigan.

It pains me to waste time explaining such a simple concept to an obviously insane individual, but please, consider this:

1. Elements cannot be seen under a magnifying glass. An atom is many billions of times smaller than the smallest object the human eye can discern with such a device. Furthermore, elements are not identified by sight. Scientists cannot tell, say, nitrogen from oxygen simply by looking. A mass spectrometer - an instrument far outside your budget and level of expertise, I am sure - is necessary.

2. "Sprinkles" is not an element. It is a topping for baked goods. Finding a baggie full of "mysterious red and yellow crystals" that "are sweet to the tongue but oddly unsatisfying" is not discovering a new element. Please, Mr. Snell, consider the fact that the baggie bore the imprint Sara Lee, which is the name of a large baked goods consortium.

3. How did you know they were called sprinkles? Do you not realize that if you have seen it before, and in fact know it by name, then logically speaking you cannot have "discovered" it?

4. Wharton is a business school. It has never offered a medical program. Furthermore, MIT has no record of your existence.

***

Dear Asshole

Fine, if you don't believe me, check this shit out.

Dr. Stephen Meredith Snell, PHD

***

WARRANT
FOR THE IMMEDIATE ARREST AND DETENTION OF
STEPHEN M SNELL D.O.B. 9/7/1971
31 MARTINE ST
ANN ARBOR, MI
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
USC 19192.7 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: METHAMPHETAMINE
USC 19192.22 POSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, TO WIT: LYSERGIC ACID DYTHALEMIDE
USC 2293 USE OF US MAIL FOR DRUG TRAFFICKING
MPC 8188 ASSAULT WITH A CHEMICAL WEAPON
POLICE AND OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPREHEND THE ABOVE-NAMED INDIVIDUAL ON SUSPICION OF THE ABOVE-NAMED CRIMES,
BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, HANNAH GUTERSON, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, ANN ARBOR MICHIGAN

---signed---